Silly Johnny is Dead!

(Wx4's inter-dimensional department spanning the ether between the Grab Bag & Harmonic Convergence )

Really Weird or Cosmic RR Ads & etc.
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updated:
4/1/06


Couldn't afford it on eBay
 Johnny was silly...Johnny is dead...
I generally think of my fellow rails as practical, no-nonsense types, most of whom also possess varying degrees of cynicism.

This page offers empirical evidence to the contrary - there apparently are many fruit loops in our midsts (even not counting Foamers), and occasionally they hold positions of influence.

As you will see, this is not a new thing. In fact, based upon the following historical data, you might make an argument postulating that the New Age movement originated on the nation's railroads. How do you like them bananas, eh?

Ultimately, I don't know where we're going to wind up, here. If you have a railroad ad, promotion, work of art - or whatever - that you find distinctly bizarre, send me a scan...or better yet, the original! I collect this stuff, which says something about my place in the railroad spectrum, I suppose. - E.O.


Our namesake exhibit comes courtesy of British Rail, circa 1966. It's a doozie, don't you think? With some updated language, maybe my employer could use this as a basis for a safety campaign in its electrified territory:


Dead Dumb-Ass Johnny...

Johnny was a dumb-ass...Johnny is toast.
Johnny bought it big time...Johnny is a ghost.


Sings, doesn't it?


$8.55 on eBay? I don't think so!
 Caution in the Colonies

While I judge that Dead Silly Johnny currently makes England the clearcut leader in tasteless railroad advertising, we colonials are giving it a good go. Witness this fine Metra poster, what? Sadly, it was withdrawn after the traveling public complained that it was inappropriate. Gad, are Chicagoans more sensitive than the English? Mayor Daily, say it ain't so!

Incidentally, I got hit by a train (or more accurately, a boxcar) in San Jose's College Park Yard many years ago, and plenty of people have since met me (story to be posted in the Grab Bag at some future time),




I liked this so much, I bought it on eBay, for $3.99!
 A Toilet of the North???
Your average Californian probably knows more Klingon words than French ones. So it is with me. Thus, I have to speculate about this goofy Northern Pacific ad. I'm guessing that, while the literal translation of L' ETOILE DU NORD is "The Toilet of the North", the ideomatic equivalent might be "We have indoor plumbing at our depots". After all, this convenience was still somewhat of a novelty in 1900. Alternately, NP might have been touting the virtues of one of it's lesser (toilet) line-side communities, say Tacoma.

Further research, some days later: OK, so I figured that a quality site like Wx4 ought to provide accurate data, so I plugged L' ETOILE DU NORD into Babbelfish and came up with "The STAR OF NORTH ".

This does little to improve my comprehension, but still, in this lack of clarity there is revelation. Look at all of this - French words, stars, Indians and general confusion. Yep I can only conclude the obvious: With this advertisement,

the Northern Pacific spawned the New Age Movement!

Northern Pacific, the nation's Magic Mushroom, Indian jewelry and fusion music industries salute you!

Update, 1-20-04: An alert viewer has revealed to Wx4 that L' ETOILE DU NORD is the official slogan of Minnesota. I apologize to you Minnesota-ites out there for not knowing this, but while I have your attention: Is Minnesota a state or province?





No way that I'd pay $3.99 for this. No, I mean the ad, stupid!
High Times on Santa Fe
In the mid 20th Century, The Santa Fe put out some gorgeous, tasteful ads. This one did not make the cut.

Here we see some typical Santa Fe customers gathered in the lounge car, passing around a rather large bomber, and experiencing a group hallucination of historical proportions.

Lady on the left: "Dear, you're not paying attention to the group hallucination. What are you looking at?"



Hey eBay - I'll bid 50 cents for it. Shipping included.
 Inter-railroad cooperation explained
It's readily apparent that the textbook 'drugs and women' techinque failed to gain Santa Fe a plant site, because here we see Joe Industrialist down South trying to hook up with yet another gal. Horny devil, ain't he? Oh Joe, JOE! You're having flashbacks! She ain't real, Joe.

Don't you think it's nice that the Santa Fe turned Joe over to the Southern, safe and sound, rather than locking him in the Hotel Albuquerque's broom closet until he signed a contract? Big business just isn't that ethical, these days.



Too pathetic to bid upon.
 When the hallucinations stop...
Yep, see the country by train! That's what you can do when your stash of Acapulco Gold gives out:

"Look, there's a cute little Indian lad, who is glad to see us even though he grew up so malnourished that his legs are bowed. What say we toss him some coins? Is the dining car open yet?"



Should I bid on this one?
 Huh?
The Santa Fe certainly is fertile ground, eh? Can you please tell me what the illustration has to do with outdoor sports? To me, this lady looks kind of PO'ed for having been drug outdoors; and look at that pale complexion, would you...Oh I GET IT! These folks are going to drag race their carriage.



Drat, I forgot to bid on this one.
 Quickie marriage at Tijuana's Jurassic Park, Mexico?
This 1904 KATY ad features some wonderful artwork, but nevertheless it leaves me rather unsettled. What exactly is going on, here?



It's on the way to me in the mail. Thanks, eBay!
 and while on the subject of women, YIKES!
IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE FIFTY FOOT WOMAN! Cripes, Milwaukee Road, what were you thinking? This is just too weird. Nice touch with the two little guys staring at her butt, though.

At this juncture, I think that it's fair to conclude that women have never produced a piece of railroad ad copy.



Since we posted the above, the original arrived from eBay: click here.
 Wx4's Poster Boy
Gad, where's Betty Grable? Did Johnny ever think of women? Probably not.

See also: the Milwaukee Road Vintage Advertisements Page


Thanks, Gary!

 REA vs. The Flying Saucers
UFO's were hot topic in the 1950's, something not lost upon the film industry. When I recently first saw the 1953 Railway Express ad at left, it looked mighty familiar.

 Given that there are few original ideas in the world, I'm certain that REA inspired the makers of one of my all-time favorite sci-fi movies, 1956's Earth vs. the Flying Saucers. The producers really should have appropriated "SPINNING CIRCLES THAT NOTHING STOPS!", don't you think? I wonder if anyone ever did a masters thesis about "REA's Cinemagraphic Influence on Ed Wood."

Hey! Is that Washington Union Station that the saucer is crashing into? Also, does anyone else hear a Theremin, or is it just me?

Pillsbury Siamese Twin Doughboy/girl
New 12-05

My $2.20 bid wasn't enough.
 This is a real advertisement, honest! People must have been real sickies back in 1906 when this frightening image appeared in Harper's Magazine. Jeez, a morbidly obese boy with a none-to-skinny girl growing backwards out of the side of his belly. At least they are happy little dumplings: here they are, grinning while taking yet another flop due to their unweildy torso arrangement (conclusion: the RR's are making fun of the mentally infirm, as well - tsk tsk). I say yet again because previous topples apparently caused the girl to impail her neck on a shovel and the boy to lose both hands, which were surgically re-attached upside down. Sick, sick!

That this monstrous image sold train tickets tells me all that I need to know about our society a century ago. [Shame on you, great grandpa!] Worse, it appears to be a trend-setter, since I've found no earlier RR ads making fun of the genetically unfortunate (how's that for a PC term?), and it apparently, some years later, inspired Santa Fe to use malnourished Indian kids [see above] to sell tickets.

I wonder if it was the same ad agency that came up with the Pillsbury Doughboy, which is an obvious rip. Ad Boss: Just separate the twins, Bob, and make the pitch to Pillsbury. Too bad that they didn't keep the girl-part, since the in-kind Doughboy ripoff, the monster Sta-Puff Marshmellow Man in Ghostbusters, would have been killer as a Siamese Twin.

...hmm, of course my interpretation could be all wrong, here. This merely may be some super-crappy artwork that slipped-by E.H. Harriman. Shame on you, Mr. Harriman!